Thursday, May 01, 2008

They Don't Get Any Younger

I'm in the market for one of those time-turner thingies ala Hermione Granger. Anyone have one they're looking to get rid of?

Jude just keeps getting bigger and older. On the one hand, it's wonderful. He's understanding more and more each day; he's communicating with us on a new level; he's learning and growing like children do. On the other hand, it's heartbreaking. I was looking through old (okay, 11-month old, but old to me!) photos earlier today, and I just couldn't (and can') get over how little he was. I have a hard time admitting that I don't quite remember how far his legs stretched down on me when he would sleep on my chest. It makes me sad to know that no matter how much I write down/blog/remember, there will be tons of little things that I end up forgetting. *sigh* I like to think that I haven't taken our time together for granted. I tried to notice all that he did and everything about him. Even so, I don't think I did a good job. I don't feel like I took enough pictures; I don't feel like I wrote enough stuff down. I feel like I have missed out on a whole lot of his life, even though I've been with him for 99% of if.

I remember some things. I remember how, especially when he was first born, he would press his lips together and throw his head back while he slept. I thought he looked like a little bird when he did that. I also remember how good he smelled when he was born... he still smells good, but it's different now. I know I won't forget how sweaty his head would get as he slept on me (actually, he still gets quite sweaty when he sleeps)... but I guess I'm just really worried about all the things I'll unknowingly forget. That's the trouble with forgetting, I guess.

As much as I tease, I don't want to stifle his growth. I'm really looking forward to watching him grow up and helping him learn new things and appreciate life. I'm just sad. His one-year birthday is in 20 days... He has been alive for nearly a year, he's barely been away from me during that year, and I still feel like I missed something... like I'm forgetting something really important. What's worse is, I can't get any of it back.

Do all moms feel like this? Help!


demery said...

Hi Jillian,
What a beautiful post. What you've written here definitely reflects my experience as a mom... the word that best describes it for me is bittersweet. When I remember my boys as babies, or look at pictures, I always get a little tug in my heart - of sadness that those days slipped through my fingers so quickly. We try to hang on to the things we remember - the funny words and stories. And you're doing a great job of that here. And one thing I've noticed with my boys is that even the tiniest nugget of a story or a reflection about them as babies makes them so happy to hear! They love especially to ask about words -- what was their first word, what funny ways did they say something. And just even sharing those tidbits with them makes them grin... and reassures them I think that they are each so special and important to us. Robin is the best role model for me on this topic -- because somehow she can celebrate what she remembers of her kids as babies (I've heard her tell stories on them!) but still just rejoice at how big and strong they grow each day. She said something once about the alternative -- about kids she knows who for one reason or another can't or won't grow up. And that really made an impact on me. Just thought I'd share. You are a great mom! And Jude is a wonderful, beloved and blessed little boy :) Happy Mother's Day!

Jillian Frank said...

Oh Dem... thanks for all that. If Robin is your role model, you can bet that you're mine. Watching you love, guide, and parent the boys has been a great inspiration to me. Thanks for all that you do for them, and for me and my family.

Happy belated Mother's Day to you.