Monday, June 02, 2008

Sometimes I Need a Break

I have to be honest. Sometimes I just need a break from my sweet little boy.

This morning Jude wakes up at 5:55am. That’s early for him and really early for us. Almost immediately the whining starts. He nurses for a minute or two but then wants to get down. He gets down and signs “milk,” which really means “just feed me,” so I take him downstairs and fed him some cereal and pears. Then he starts signing “milk” again, so both Josh and I figure he REALLY means “milk” this time, so we head back upstairs and I sit down to nurse him, and OH THE CRYING THAT ENSUED. Then I put him down, and then he’s signing “milk” again. *sigh*

I hate feeling this way. I hate that sometimes I feel like I just can’t take the crying. Sometimes, no matter how hard I talk myself through it… “He’s only a year old. Even he doesn’t know what he wants.” “He’s just trying to communicate with me.” “He’s not trying to drive me crazy. He’s just upset.” Well, that rational side doesn’t always win out. Once in a while I just scream. Less often, I’ll punch something (usually a wall-not hard enough to damage the wall, but certainly hard enough to make my hand sting). I don’t do either of these things in Jude’s presence, but sometimes, it’s all I can do to make it though another hour of not knowing why the little guy is whining.

I always feel horrible when I lose it. The anger of not knowing how to help my son is always followed by deep sadness and sobbing. I don’t know why I’m not able to deal. Possibly because Jude’s cranky times are so few and far between. He is such a happy and content baby. His fussy times are usually linked to something-teething, sickness, overtiredness. It’s just that every now and again I can’t figure out what that “something” is, and that frustrates me to no end.

Oh my. I feel horrible for even writing that I feel this way. I LOVE my son. I love every minute with him. I want to be able to handle his meltdowns with better poise. I don’t want to have to say, “I need a break,” but dammit, sometimes I do.

*smile* My husband is a mind reader. He just came in the bedroom and told me that he’s taking Jude for a walk because “you need a break.” Bless him.

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